About Me

I'm not your average human being. In fact, I may not be a human being at all. Proof: (this is my bio, by the way)

You're walking in the woods. It's a perfectly ordinary day . . . OR IS IT?? You have no idea if it's perfectly ordinary or if it isn't perfectly ordinary and your name isn't even Pinocchio! It's terrible isn't it? It feels awful, you're sad, depressed, and lonely -- you just can't get over yourself. Then you come upon this huge well in the middle of the forest and you go like OMG I am totes going to see what that well is! Even though you don't know if that well is safe or not. So you go to the well and you see this troll and he says, "Get off my bridge you piece of stale bread nobody wants you here nobody likes you." That is not nice. Stale bread can be appetizing, but you know it isn't that appetizing. So you aren't appetizing! 

"I'm sorry, dear troll, but I am appetizing," you reply, smiling oddly. You hope the troll is nice enough to stop being mean and will apologize soon.

"HAHAHAHA," the troll laughs. "I am a troll and not a food vendor! I don't care if you are good enough to eat . . . Imma push you down this well!" 

The troll leans over and pushes you into the well! You're falling. Whoa. It's just like in Spy Kids 3 or was it 2 I think it's 2 well actually in all the Spy Kids movies, really. You're falling and you don't know how much time has passed and you're just falling in the well. WAIT! You know what it's like! Alice in Wonderland! Again, OHEMGEE! 

When you finally reach the bottom of the well, munching on some orange marmalade, you see a girl, standing there, waiting. Her hair is frizzy and brown and she's standing there, staring at you. Just by looking into her eyes you can tell that she is your master. You do whatever she says... 

"Yo," the person says, not breaking her gaze. "You are not welcome here. You are not welcome here. You are not welcome here."

"But the troll...," you start, but cannot finish. "THE TROLL IS YOU!"

"Yes," the person says, smiling studiously. "The troll is . . . me . . . I pushed you . . . you are not welcome."

By hearing her voice, you can tell that this girl hates One Direction, loves Harry Potter, and is very, very strange. She may have even created you. It's like she's God . . . but she's obviously not God.

"Kill," she says, taking your orange marmalade. "Kill."

"MY ORANGE MARMALADE!" you yell, trying to take it back. Then you start crying like a baby. You had even named the marmalade Dinah! "Oh, Dinah!" you say.

"Quit quoting Alice in Wonderland, you great prune," she says, grumbling. "Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah. Kill. Kill."

She starts coming nearer...nearer...until she's close enough to strike! Her teeth suddenly turn to fangs, her nails are long, and her hair is sprouting little snakes that keep biting you.

Then you die.

"HAHAHAHA! What is your name, little creature?" she demands, though you are dead.

"Uhhh," you say. "Uhhh...you. That's what I'm called, anyway."
"THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT, NIALL HORAN! YOU ARE DEAD AND YOU ARE YOU HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

So you were just called Niall Horan. I guess that means you died.

As you die, you find out that the girl's name is Mary and that she is older than you and that she hates 1D and that she loves Harry Potter and that she likes chocolate and watching random shows on YouTube that probably originated when she was only a toddler and she's also very, very, very deranged and she has another blog, kidnappingthetoast.wordpress.com.

ALSO. She killed you.